Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
