Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize