My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
