i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
