so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
