based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
