Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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