Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
