Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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