OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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