We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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