Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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