Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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