i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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