Those balls look pretty dangerous.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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