Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
