So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
