Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
