if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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