im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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