Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
