you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
