she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
