So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize