I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
