it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
there's paper in my vomit.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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