Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
