between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
