Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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