Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize