I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
