When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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