Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
