alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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