I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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