i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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