How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
