ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
