I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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