You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
