i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
