So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
