you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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