he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
