Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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