SEEEEXXX PLEASE
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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