I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
