so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
