You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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