You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
