remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
