I want to make a zoo with you.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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