I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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