No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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