he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
