I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
