My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
