News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize